Life by Brian Regan

Alright! How you doing, folks? It looks like you’re all sitting there…Hey, pal, you got some jokes? Why don’t you start crankin’ ‘em out, circus boy?
It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well. Sometimes you’ll say the right thing but at the wrong time and feel stupid.
It is like Oh, no!...words are coming out…oh, no…what is that? Like I met this woman recently; I could have sworn she was pregnant, lemme tell ya. [crowd moans] I know, now. I think the rule is: Don’t guess at that ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever. Something like that. I didn’t have enough evers memorized. So I said, “When’s that …b…aby due?” You ever feel a word coming out but it’s too late to stop it? Whoa! It’s coming out and loud… “Hey, when’s that BABY due? BABY!”
“What baby?”
“OOOooo…At the zoo…the pandas….I knew they were trying to have one. I just thought we’d talk about them…talk about the fluffy zoo animals. I hear they’ve got ‘em over there. You can go look at ‘em if you want, and touch ‘em.”
Have you ever guessed somebody’s gender wrong? There’s no recovering from that. You’ve just gotta move on because you ain’t wrigglin’ out of nothin’. “Hey, excuse me, sir.”
“OK. Bye, Human. Bye, Person. Nice to meet you, Individual.”
People spell their name however they want,it has nothing to do with phonics or nothing.I'm not sure what phonics is, but I saw the girl that was hooked on it. Shes got a problem with it apparently. Have you seen that commercial? "Hooked on Phonics worked for me" She's adorable, ya' know.I was thinking, wouldn't that be weird if she was applying what she learned and she couldn't get the commercial straight ,ya' know?
" Hoookid on fff-hhonicks wer-kid for meh". "HHooookid on FFF-HHonicks wer-kid for meh, meh!".
"Okay,CUT!!!""You talk to her,man""We ain't gonna move a lot tapes this way, I'm tellin ya' right know".
Anyway I met his woman, her name was ah, Amy, you know, so I go Oh," A-M-Y?"She goes no," A-Y-M-I-E".
"OoOoOoaahh!""I have to take a nap"" I'm Brian, B-R-I-V-O-L-B-N, the number 7,the letter Q,--"Brennemenahgah!!!","Look at my name tag,it's,it's big.
I don’t know. I would have been a lot better off if I’d studied more when I was growing up, y’know. But you know where it all went wrong was the day they started the spelling bee. Because up until that day I was an idiot but nobody else knew. When the spelling bee day popped up…
[Announcer:] Alright, kids, up against the wall. It’s time for public humiliation.
Spell a word wrong—sit down in front of your friends. That’s great for little egos. “Hey, look at me. I’m a moron. I wasn’t even close. I was usin’ numbers and stuff.”
That’s why I admired that kid who spelled it wrong on purpose so he could sit down. He knew he wasn’t going to win, so why stand there for 3 hours.
First round. “Cat, K-A-T, I’m outta here.” Then as he passed you, “Ha! I know there’s 2 T’s.”
I remember my teacher asked me, “Brian, what’s the ‘i’ before ‘e’ rule?”
“Um…I before e always.”
“What are you, an idiot, Brian?”
So she explains it, “No, Brian, it’s:
‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ and when sounding like ‘a’ as in neighbor and weighand on weekends and holidaysand all throughout Mayand you’ll always be wrongno matter what you say.”
That’s a hard rule. That’s a rough rule.
Plurals were hard, too.
“Brian, how do you make a word a plural?”
“You put a ‘s’…put a ‘s’ at the end of it.”
“On weekends and holidays.”
“No, Brian. Let me show you.” So she asked this kid who knew everything. Irwin. “Irwin, what’s the plural for ox?”
“Ox. Oxen. The farmer used his oxen.”
“Brian, what’s the plural for box?”
“Boxen. I bought 2 boxen of doughnuts.”
“No, Brian, no. Let’s try another one. Irwin, what’s the plural for goose?”
“Geese. I saw a flock of geese.”
[Exasperated laughing]“Wha-a-at?”
“What’s the plural for moose?”
“Moosen! I saw a flock of MOOSEN! There were many of ‘em. Many much moosen. Out in the woods…in the wood-es…in the woodsen. The meese want the food in the woodesen…food is the eatenesen…the meese want the food in the woodesenes…food in the woodesenes.”
“Brian. Brian! You’re an imbecile.”
“What? Are you speaking German, Brian?”
“German…Germaine…Germaine…Jackson…Jackson 5…Tito!”
“Brian, what the hell are you talking about?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know, really.”
I know nothing about cars… a friend of mine let me borrow his car recently, but he didn’t bother to tell me that there was a short in the horn. The thing would honk like every 8 seconds for no reason. Just driven along, honk!... honk!... oh, oh no. so I get stuck behind this guy in bumper to bumper traffic. How do I explain to him that I am not trying to honk at him, you know? Honk!... lokin around, oh oh no…. honk!... give him a little wave. Honk!... its ok, its ok! Honk! Its alright don’t worry about it, I am out of my mind…. I didn’t what him to think that. So I started pretending like I was listening to some sports thing on the radio. Honk! yeah, go team go! Honk! Yeah!, go my favorite sports team go! Honk! Scored a goal, unit, basket… go squadron do good, defeat the opponents soundly in the skirmish.
I saw this sign posted once, it said, “Blasting Zone Ahead”. Wow! Shouldn’t that read, “Road Closed”?!? What do you mean, there’s a Blasting Zone? What am I supposed to say? “Hey, you might wanna buckle up, Blasting Zone coming up. Yeah, just saw the sign. Put the helmets on back there! Yeah, I think we’re OH! We’re getting close! OH! This is gonna be a bad blasting zone! Remember that last one? We lost Billy?!?
When you grow older you start having birthday party games. Pin the tail on the donkey… there is a good safe game for kids. What are adults think…

“hey we are having a whole bunch of kids over, big party, were going to blind-fold one, give him something sharp, spin him around and let me go. Go bobby, with the pin, just run amok!” pokein around, what are those noises, those are puncture wounds bobby, Stop! You’ve made a horrible error!

The kids running out the door “he missed the donkey and got my neck. He pinned the tail on my neck!!!”

Then there was musical chairs… a nice little anxiety attack for 7 year olds. Only one kid can win all the other kids are walking around like “oh, oh, AHHH… elbowing their friends…AHHH”

That’s fun. “How was the party?”

“It was horrible, I couldn’t get a chair and I got a pin in my neck!!! Please don’t make me go back, please…. You said that would be a happy house….”

Some kids get pets for their birthdays… but I think people are unfair to their pets. Like putting a pet bird in cage, that’s pretty nice hungh?

Get in their, clank, shut up…. I will be making the discions.

I always wonder what a bird is thinking standing in a cage “Alright thank you! I have been blessed with the gift of flight. I know how to fly and I am standing on a stick!”

“hey I’ve already read these newspapers… infact I have whitened out some typos.”

I don’t know what animals think.

Why would a dog bark at three o’clock in the morning for no reason… what is that all about?

He is doing a monolog at three in the morning… I think they just gout out on the porch at that hour and are like

“hey, its nice a quite…why don’t I bark it up for no reason what-so-ever?!?!! Bark, bark, bark, bark, bark” and then right when you think they are done “bar, bark, bark , bark, bark” what’s the matter with ya?

Wouldn’t it be weird if people were like that for no reason? Like if some guy went out on his porch at three in the morning, nobody knows him, new to the nabior hood, he just goes out there…. “hey…. hey, hey, hey, hey, hey”

“hey you alright man?”

“hey, hey, hey hey!!!”

hey that’s it for me.